I don’t know about you, but I can’t stand dubbed movies; I find them artificial, clumsy, and sometimes downright peculiar. No matter how alien the spoken language is, I prefer to hear it in the original and read subtitles. It’s rather magical because, after a while, I am not even aware anymore that I am reading.
Unfortunately, I’ve become all too aware that, despite their advantages, subtitles can be sketchy, inaccurate, misleading, and even ridiculous. I have an addiction: when I watch movies in English on Sky, I can’t help but read the Spanish subtitles simultaneously. As a result, I’ve noticed that the people hired to translate these subtitles don’t always know English as well as they claim. Their motto seems to be, “When in doubt, improvise, whether it makes sense or not.”
Some mistakes are understandable, especially with jargon, but it’s surprising how often simple things get mistranslated—like numbers.
Then there’s profanity. It seems it’s just too painful to translate naughty words. While Costa Rica doesn’t offer much in this department, there’s no shortage of palabrotas (dirty words) in Mexican or Spanish slang. Still, subtitles of foul language usually go two ways: harmless or nonexistent. The toughest word is, of course, the infamous “F” word. Often left out entirely, “It’s f…ing amazing” becomes “Es tan alucinante.” If translated, it’s usually something like “maldición” (damnation). “F… off” becomes “púdrete” (go rot). “Bastard” might be “desgraciado” (wretch), “a……” becomes “imbécil,” and “Oh s…!” becomes either “¡Carajo!” (vulgar, but untranslatable) or “¡Rayos!” (innocuous, meaning “lightning bolts”).
Over time, I’ve collected some absurd subtitle bloopers:
- A lot of people take it (love) for a game → llévalo a pasear (Take it for a trip)
- Drawing room → cuarto de arte (art room)
- Fender bender → mal conductor (bad driver)
- My whole family died in the Holocaust → murió en un accidente de tránsito (died in a car accident)
- I bought it lock, stock, and barrel → La compré de Lockstoc Enbaril (I bought from Lockstoc Enbaril)
- They do it through a hole in the sheet → …lo hacen con una bola de mierda (They do it with a ball of sh…)
- Don’t go out of your way → Ve directamente a casa (Go directly home)
- Baby teeth → arêtes (earrings)
- [Looks like] a teardrop → una aguja (a needle)
- Birth certificate → primero certificado (first certificate)
- Plain clothes policeman → policía de ropa limpia (clean clothes policeman)
- That by and by → que con una gran despedida (that with a big goodbye)
- Why did she get to keep her clothes on? → ¿Porqué pudo quitarse la ropa? (Why could she take her clothes off?)
- Loophole → un hueco donde esconderse (a hole to hide in)
- Stool pigeon → paloma despistada (confused pigeon)
- She was sleeping on a piece of mattress → un colchón empapado de orines (a urine-soaked mattress)
- Things that are still perfectly good → cosas que no sirven para nada (things that are no good at all)
- What would Freud say? → ¿Qué diría Fred? (What would Fred say?)
- A trip to Paradise → desvestirse en Paraíso (undress in Paradise)
- Who pays the piper and calls the tune? → ¿Quién paga el papel y da las órdenes? (Who pays for the paper and gives the orders?)
- Marilyn Monroe was a painted mask → fue un pubis pintado (was a painted pubic area)
- The right wheel went off the road, and we hit a telephone pole → recibimos una llamada (we got a phone call)
- Dog owners who do not pick up the poop will be fined → estarán bien (will be fine)
- Pearls before swine → burros antes de cerdos (donkeys before pigs)
- What you should be asking is where is this → es quién falta (is who is missing)
- Someone can make a nice piece of furniture with it → una fogata con él (a bonfire with it)
- Do you want a light? → ¿Quieres una raya? (Do you want a line? [of cocaine])
- As night falls on the Crescent City (New Orleans) → cae en Mississippi (falls on Mississippi)
- Are you brooding? → ¿Estás embarazada? (Are you pregnant?)
- Are you appalled? No, I am not appalled → ¿Estás pobre? No, no estoy pobre (Are you poor? No, I’m not poor)
- You want me to be eye candy? → ¿Quieres que sea “colirio?” (You want me to be “eye drops?”)
- It’s Greek for “the vapors” → para “flatulencia” (for “flatulence”)
All these examples involve English-to-Spanish subtitles. While absurd blunders are fairly uncommon, subtitle translations are often mediocre. Occasionally, though, the translation is excellent; recently, I watched a documentary featuring a lyrical, sophisticated screenwriter, and the Spanish subtitles captured his essence perfectly.
Article written by Kate Galante
